Funny Quotes
~ Make Your Life Smile ~

Humor kills worries and stress. So, come join the fun! Read the funny quotes here. Give yourself a great laugh.

Life is indeed stressful when work + kids + housework + in laws = stress x 4. Not to mention other issues that is bothering you.

How long have you been putting up the frown face? Relax… Don’t let stress draw another wrinkle on your face :)

Hence, I’ve handpicked some funny quotes for you. Let humor gives you a smile.

Who knows? These humor quotes may beautify you, and your life. Have fun~

- FUNNY QUOTES I -

I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells.
Dr. Seuss

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I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Woody Allen

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Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
Jack Handey

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Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister ... and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain

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If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.
Isaac Asimov

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

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Whenever I feel like exercise I lie down until the feeling passes.
Robert Maynard Hutchins

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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx

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Find a job you like and you add five days to every week.
H Jackson Brown Jr

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By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
Robert Frost

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They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.
Ronald Reagan

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If you want your dreams to come true, don't over sleep.
Yiddish Proverbs

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Take a lesson from the mosquito. She never waits for an opening -- she makes one.
Kirk Kirkpatrick

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We are like tea bags - we don't know our own strength until we're in hot water.
Sister Busche

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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields

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If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing your grandmother with her teeth out.
George Brett

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Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Mark Twain

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Fear grows in darkness; if you think there's a bogeyman around, turn on the light.
Dorothy Thompson

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If you're in a bad situation, don't worry it'll change. If you're in a good situation, don't worry it'll change.
John A. Simone, Sr

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Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrow money to do it.
Artemus Ward

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The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball



- FUNNY QUOTES II -

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody Allen

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My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
Rodney Dangerfield

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The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
Sam Levenson

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The best way to keep children at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of the tires.
Dorothy Parker

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To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
Woody Allen

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I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney

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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner

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Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.
Paul Hornung

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Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
Katherine Hepburn

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I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

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I hate women because they always know where things are.
Voltaire

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I think housework is the reason most women go to the office.
Heloise Cruse

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Behind every successful woman… is a substantial amount of coffee.
Stephanie Piro

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I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

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My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce.
Joyce Brothers

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Never exaggerate your faults. Your friends will attend to that.
Robert C. Edwards



- FUNNY QUOTES III -

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Flip Wilson

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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen

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Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Yogi Berra

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The trouble with quotes about death is that 99.999 percent of them are made by people who are still alive.
Joshua Bruns

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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Woody Allen

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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Anonymous

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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

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Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn't expect to be paid back.
Unknown

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Few cases of eye strain have been developed by looking on the bright side of things.
Unknown

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Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
Lisa Claymen

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You can't turn back the clock. But you can wind it up again.
Bonnie Prudden

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I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.
Woody Allen

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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Whitney Brown

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